We've focused too long on goal-setting with kids, especially in middle school.
I'm guilty, as a parent, coach, teacher, and administrator. I've made the mistake, thinking goal-setting works. Unfortunately, this has resulted in frustration, disappointment, missed opportunities, not using"failure" as a tool for learning. That goes for kids and adults.
Every day in middle school, we see adolescents who:
appear neglectful of self-care such as sleep, hydration, and basic hygiene
are late to school and appear unprepared for class.
leave items like homework, musical instruments, sports gear needed at school, home.
This is not their fault, it's our's. We think setting goals for them is better than building habits with them.
Let's stop doing things to adolescents and for them. Let's start setting them up for success.
Middle school kids capabilities and perspectives are often underestimated, underrated, undervalued, and underappreciated. However, I've noticed examples of adolescents mastering their habits. Take an middle school field trip. Alter routines for how we "do school" during a global pandemic. Watch arrival/dismissal, lunch/recess, and even how we travel throughout the school day, with masks, physical distance, and even hand washing. With clear expectations, trust to implement them, space to fail or figure it out, and gentle redirection when they fail, adolescents build habits every day. And they do so with resilience and awareness unlike any adult.
So let's stop setting goals for adolescents. Let's start building habits with them.
Based on my own experience, this is not as complicated a process as we may think:
Start small.
If you've got an adolescent in your life, you know, it's fairly easy to spot an area where he or she needs help. Resist the urge to do it for them! Instead (assuming there's a already a trusting relationship with the adolescent), invite the him/her to a habit-building conversation. Start with, "I notice..." and continue with, "I wonder..." Ask him/her to share what's happening with an aspect of life. This approach maintains dignity and gets dialogue flowing. The responsibility remains with the adolescent, with varying degrees of ongoing support,as needed. Not all kids will be open to or respond the same way to this approach. Adults willing to practice, fail, and try again, will discover what works with each adolescent.
Keep going.
There will be times when you, the adult wants to quit on this. Building habits, like building relationships has ups and downs. We're human. We allows ourselves to get frustrated, distracted, or make excuses for being "busy". But we're got to stay committed to "being there" for an adolescent, especially one who needs us. They've got the developing prefrontal cortex, not us. If I'm honest with myself, from a complex period of adolescence to adulthood, it's easy to see, Your life today is essentially the sum of your habits".
The key to an adolescent's success is a trusted adult willing to learn about adolescent development, habit formation, and the unique and sensible connection between the two.
This is part two of a ten-part blog series, based on the book, Atomic Habits by James Clear.
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