Do you remember that kid in school who seemed to come and go, and often for long periods of time?
That was me.
And now, I’m coming to realize, that’s become an important part of who I am, as an adult.
Let me explain.
I was born with a condition called hydrocephalus. The 1970’s were a critical period for children with this condition. Many, if not most, had associated conditions that further complicated and was further complicated by hydrocephalus. Many, if not most children with this suffered and struggled, as their families watched, hoped, and prayed for a life with purpose and without pain or tragedy. Most were let down.
As an adult, anyone who knows me well knows I say, I live a charmed life.
This, it turns out, is one of the reasons. I was born at just the right time, to the right parents, and we received the best care from the best doctors. And while my childhood was filled with countless expected and at times, unexpected brain surgeries, from the age of one month to about ten years of age, I still say, to this day, I live a charmed life.
Now, roughly 35 years later, I am in good health. I am blessed with a beautiful and healthy family, And I have a purpose, that I live each day.
Five years ago, my health was abruptly interrupted (and for a period of five years) due to complications involving the hydrocephalus. When this happened, one night in the emergency room, not only was I in excruciating pain, I was emotionally devastated. All the progress I had made from adolescence to adulthood, I felt, had come to a screeching halt, with this one setback. Again, my future seemed uncertain. My life was on pause.
The emotions of being “the sick kid” came rushing back.
Only now, as an adult, I understood it differently. I found myself empathizing with my parents’ experience. I found myself one part grateful, and one part terrified, that this would ever be something I’d have to deal with as a parent of healthy and thriving kids of my own. And lastly, as “the sick adult”, I felt an enormous sense of guilt that my circumstances were to impact everyone around me. Home, work, family, friends, my wife and my kids. I was all their responsibility and my problem, theirs. On top of the physical pain I was in, the emotional toll was at times, way worse. The last thing I ever want to be to anyone, is a burden.
Now healthy and my life, back on track (or better yet, on a new and improved track), I’m left to wonder…why? Why was I, in the 1970’s and 80’s, “the sick kid” who never came to school? And why, once that time past, did the condition relapse, in the adult years of middle age?
What purpose did that serve?
Well, I recent was part of a fairly spontaneous conversation in which the answer was brought to light. The result was an enormous sense of clarity for the answer I’ve asked of, “Why me?” and “Why now?”
The answer, is empathy.
Among the demands of professional role I serve is the need for empathy, understanding, and grace. It’s not written in the job description, nor is it part of any formal evaluation I receive. What I have found, however, is that people who need it, respond it those who lead empathetic lives. And people who need to demonstrate more of it, benefit from it being modeled by someone more empathetic than them.
Empathy can be a tool to reduce friction in people’s lives and as a way of removing obstacles, either real or perceived, for people. And now, after this conversation, I can say with confidence, that my experiences, both in early childhood and again in middle age, have elevated my empathy. It’s raised my awareness of, value for, and view that it is a top priority in our lives and the organizations to which we belong. Having been the beneficiary of the empathy of others, I can now offer that to others in need of it.
So the next time I see “that kid” or “that adult” doing something that differs from the norm or what’s expected, I will resist making assumptions or passing judgment. Instead, I will take a step back, so I can learn, and so I may extend empathy.
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